I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Men are dropping like flies out there — tied down by save-the-dates and whisked off to pleasant locations to bear witness to the art of compromise. No, this isn't another tired manifesto against lifelong commitment — I'm talking about outdoor wedding season, chief. I'm talking about knowing how to roll up on these things when the heat is on.
The fact is, summer means weddings, especially of the outdoor variety. If things haven't gone too sideways in your recent past, you're probably still getting invited to stuff like that. And you're going to need some tips on how to get through the season without ending up a paragon of persona non grata. First, load up on Banana Boat® Men's Triple Defense sunscreen so you won't destroy everyone's wedding photos. Next, follow this guide to surviving three long months miniature food handouts, acting polite, and watching a few friends start a new chapter.
Stay hydrated, using water. The good news is that the myth about having to slam eight glasses of the stuff if you're an upright mammal is just that, a myth. All you have to do avoid suffering a dramatic and public heat stroke is play by the 70/70 rule: when the temperature is above 70 degrees and the humidity is above 70 percent, drink more (water) to stay in the game without someone calling a medic.
Hey, great job staying hydrated — now you're sweating like a CEO who just got busted taking nine bonuses while our nation starves. You've done an excellent job of housing water like a fat pipe and now you're paying the price, right? Summer wedding pro-tip: don't wear the wool suit you've been skating by with for the last few years when it's 90 degrees out. They make suits that are a lot lighter. They probably call them summer suits or something. I don't know the proper name, because I'm not some kind of rich fashion pro and, frankly, if you see me at a wedding this summer I'm going to be shortcutting the formal thing with a British dress shirt and a tie that doesn't reek of stability — no jacket. Oh, a tropical-weight suit, that's what they call them — boom, that just came back to me. Which I'm pretty sure is just another way of saying linen. What's even cooler about these things is that they make you look like a comedy genius.
Don't Get Burned
When I say don't get burned, I'm not talking about the thing where you start out flirting with the bride, then move on to the bridesmaids, then end up shooting the breeze out back with the girl from the catering crew. I'm talking about the sun, and I'm talking about having the sense to save your hide, gentlemen. That's where this stuff comes in: Banana Boat® Men's Triple Defense sunscreen. Just make sure it's completely rubbed in so you don't end up looking like a mime working the reception, and don't forget to reapply at least every two hours.
Now get out there and wish the newlyweds congratulations and best of luck. The only wrong decision you can make is not using some protection. From the summer sun, you animals. Get your mind out of the gutter; I'm talking about a family day that can be really special for all of us if you'd just follow these really level-headed suggestions I've posted on the Internet.
Dan Kennedy is host of The Moth storytelling podcast and author of the novel AMERICAN SPIRIT. Twitter @DanKennedy_NYC